Burn, baby, burn

My dad, he doesn't want to be a bother. And he's a pretty unsentimental guy. That's why he's made arrangements so that, when he dies, he'll be taken straight to the crematorium. No funeral, no viewing of the body, nothing like that.

I'm fine with this. Cremation is, in my opinion, the way to go. Actually, it's not just my opinion: According to a 2005 survey, 46% of Americans are planning to toss themselves on the barbie, up from 31% in 1990. And as with any trend, as it gets more popular, the market expands in new directions. In this case we're talking a veritable Cambrian explosion of cremation urns.

Back in April Business 2.0's Bottom-Line Design Awards chose the Uono Cocoon coffin as its Best of Show. (Apparently the judges were big fans of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.) I took a little stroll around the internets to see whether anyone was creating anything comparable for those of us who'll be needing smaller digs. What I found ranged from the interesting to the tacky to the strange to the totally bizarre to the actually quite beautiful.

"It's what he loved"
Turns out you can find-- or have made-- receptacles that reflect your loved one's favorite hobbies. For instance, if your husband loved bowling so much that he wanted you to stare at a bowling pin on your hearth for the rest of your life without him, he might demand a bowling pin urn. If he loved motorcycles, but his especially favorite part of them was the gas tank, you could stash him here. If he was a musician who faced a lot of hecklers, he'd love this urn called (without irony) "Free Bird." And if he was a huge fan of Raiders of the Lost Ark, let him spend eternity in a scale model of the Ark of the Covenant. (Just don't let him fall into the hands of the Nazis.)

"Oh no, don't touch that"
Sometimes you don't want it to be so obvious that you have a powdered human sitting on your mantel. For instance, you throw a lot of dinner parties, or you've got a hot date. In this case, you can store your loved one in an everyday object. This company will modify any item you throw at them, including sports equipment, musical instruments, and fishing rods. (I wonder if they get a lot of orders for punching bags.) Or you can opt for this huggable bear, though I would keep it out of reach of children and animals, and sleeping with it may cross some line. My favorites are these clocks-- Every time you look at one you'll get the comforting feeling of your time ticking away, counting the seconds down until your own death.

"No point throwing it away, it's still practically new"
There's a subset of urns called scattering urns, which are a temporary holding cell for the cremains until such time as they can be sprinkled over the deceased's favorite meadow/body of water/stripper. But some companies have figured out that if you're going to shell out a couple of hundred bucks for an urn, you might as well get some use out of it. These folks go the obvious route and suggest you repurpose it as a vase. If you ask me, that urn looks like it would make a damn good martini shaker. For the ReadyMade fans in the audience, this company will sell you a scattering urn that you can convert into a birdhouse. I must admit, the first time I saw this I thought they were suggesting you feed the ashes to the birds (which would have precedent). But I do think this is a good way to associate some pleasantness (the happy, tweeting birds) with the sad memories attached to the urn.

"I feel like she's with me wherever I go"
If you're the kind of person who thought Billy Bob wearing Angelina's blood around his neck was sweet, then you might like a mini-urn that you wear around yours. This crystal is a good one because one can actually see the ashes in it, but if you're more circumspect than that, you can opt for a dolphin or sea turtle (unless, of course, your loved one was mauled to death by one of these playful creatures). I quite like this titanium one, which looks more like storage for your nitroglycerin heart pills.

"He was a patron of the arts"
This is where it gets really good. There are artisans out there coming up with entirely new forms to memorialize the deceased in a convenient table-top form factor. I like all of these, even the ones I think are ugly or silly, because they're pushing the envelope of expected urn design. Like these time-capsule-looking aluminum deals from Miller Custom Memorials, perfect for the futurist in your life. I don't like the typography or engravings on the examples here, but the bare metal, geometric shapes, and exposed screws make these the most forward-looking designs I've encountered.

Concentric Rings creates urns that are aggressively arty, with an aesthetic that I don't much like, but they have a few winners. The Eminens has the look of a modern reliquary. The Koena hearkens to pre-industrial burial rites. And there's something about the leather pouch of ashes suspended inches from the ground but far below the natural-fiber top of Growth Rhythms that conveys the fact of death more effectively than any other urn I've seen. (The whole thing is six feet tall with vegetation at the top, embodying the concept of "six feet under" in a visceral fashion.)

David Orth makes sculptural bronze urns that are my favorite of all the ones I found during my research for this post. They look primitive enough to be timeless, with a monumental look on a small scale. I would want any of these in my home even if there wasn't a dead person in it, but the combination of form, material, and patina is worthy of an eternal resting-place.

And finally, Funeria is an artist's rep company that specializes in the art of the cremation urn. They have a show right now in Philadelphia (closing November 3) but you can download 2003's catalog [PDF] here. Like any collection of art, the work ranges from inspired to blah, but there are plenty of pieces that would sell like hot cakes with wider exposure. My personal favorites are the Sydney-Opera-House-meets-Lovecraft-esque Cinerary Vessel by Doug Haslam, the Port-a-John-for-Samurais-ish Hinged Urn by Lynn Hayes and Carol Green, and Christopher Rizzo's Retro-Rocket Untitled #4. (All viewable in the Funeria portfolio [PDF].) My least favorites are the ones that look like vases and candy dishes. When a container contains an object or substance of import, the container itself should convey that import.

Conclusion
As more Americans opt for the heat of the fire rather than the cold of the earth, there will be more demand for receptacles that are stylish, trendy, unique, and functional. Likewise, there will be greater demand for non-urn solutions. For instance, the company Ashes to Portraits will-- yep, you guessed it-- paint your portrait using paint mixed with your ashes. [Warning-- web site contains tinkly music with bird noises and trippy animations.] (The site contains only one example but I don't think these are the people I will trust to turn my remains into art, thanks.)

As for me, I'm thinking take out my salvageable organs, flame-broil the rest, and throw the ashes in the bay. I take after my dad-- I'm not sentimental. If you absolutely must keep my remains around, I don't think you could do much better than a 22 oz. Sapporo can.

(Thanks to Sarah H. for tipping me off to Funeria, Concentric Rings, and Ashes to portraits.)

APPENDIX: Worst use of a digital spokesmodel so far
During my research, I came across a site called In The Light Urns. If you click on this link, you will quickly be accosted by a poorly-drawn, poorly-animated woman speaking with a computer-generated, vaguely British accent. It's a pretty harrowing experience, one I can't imagine experiencing while in the depths of the grieving process. To make things worse, if your mouse pointer gets too close to her, she'll warily turn to face it, as if paranoid you're going to poke her with it. Which I would have done, had that been possible, just to get her to stop staring at me and blinking stupidly.

Comments

[Attila Csordas]

This whole air coffin business and design is cool, not like those ugly new houses. But before you die I offer something as cool as time-capsule style: healthy life extension technology. In our lifetime. :)

[Online Memorials]

You are so right about that digital spokesperson on the In the Light Urns website. These things never seem to work, or look good but this one is particularly bad. I wonder why they are so naive?